Maybe the Cruelty Was the Point

Since we’re approaching Christmas, I’m going to tell you about the horrific emotional journey my husband took me on in December 2018.

As always, take a deep breath, light a relaxing candle, pour yourself a drink, or do whatever you need to do to center yourself. Prepare to be flummoxed and possibly infuriated.


In September 2018, we hit another impasse. It had been fifteen months since the Green Card had been approved, and yet, my husband was still not living with me in Texas. There had been one excuse after another…

  1. He was waiting for a job transfer to Chicago.
  2. He was waiting for a bonus.
  3. He got a new job and was sent to Brittany for training for three months.
  4. His grandmother had a heart attack and was in a coma, and he couldn’t possibly leave her.

I had had enough.

I told him I was moving on with my life and wouldn’t wait for him to come and be with me anymore. I found an apartment downtown and moved out of my mother’s house.

And then, lo and behold, he showed up.

But, of course, he only showed up for a few days. Off he went again with promises to be back in a couple of weeks for good.

A couple of weeks turned into more than a month. Again. So, I told him not to bother coming back. And I meant it. I was moving on with my life.

I planned a trip to London to go to my friend John’s fabulous Peaky Blinders-themed work Christmas party as his plus one, and off I went. (Trust me, he’s just a friend. More like an annoying little brother, actually.)

Then the messages began – Please, I’m coming back, I promise. I bought a plane ticket. I’m coming. Please…

Fine.

Stupidly, I cut my trip to London short, so I could be back in Texas on the same day that he would be arriving. When he walked into the house, he rolled in one small carry-on bag. That was it.

Where’s the rest of your stuff?!”  

The answer was an excuse about having to return for some important things or something or other at his mother’s house. (I honestly cannot remember what it was – too many excuses to keep track of) but he promised he would be back on Christmas Eve.

And then, we relaxed into each other again. We spent a really lovely week together, and I was happy. Things felt normal, and I felt hopeful. And off he went back to France, with a kiss goodbye and a promise to be back the following week.

On the night before Christmas Eve, my intuition kicked on. Something wasn’t right. I could feel it.

I messaged my friend John frantically, saying that I didn’t think that my husband was coming back. He wasn’t going to be on the plane. I knew it.

John assured me I was being crazy; of course, he would be on the plane!

I went to bed and, in the morning, woke up to an email from my husband saying he was all checked in for his flight from Paris to London. He even included a photo of a suitcase on a check-in scale. (How weird is that?)

I breathed a sigh of relief. But I could feel the doubt creep back in.

More messages back and forth to John when a Facetime came in. It was from my husband.

How could he be Facetiming me if he was on the plane?!

What’s going on? Where are you?

I was greeted with sobs (he deserves an Oscar, really) followed by some BS story about how when he went to board his flight to Austin from London, he discovered that he didn’t have his passport with him; someone must have stolen it, or he had put it down somewhere and lost it. They wouldn’t let him get on the plane.

And that’s when he did what he always did. He made it about him. Poor him couldn’t get on the plane. Poor him was alone sobbing in an airport. Poor him wouldn’t be able to come to the U.S. for Christmas. Poor him.

Lies. All lies.

I spent Christmas in Texas with my mother. And I’m assuming since this was three years after he had met his girlfriend and eighteen months before he “got married,” my husband spent the holiday somewhere with her.


P.S. An important note for my American friends. My husband has a passport card as well as a passport. An EU passport card lets you travel within the EU. Hence that’s why I found it plausible that he was able to fly to London from Paris without an actual passport.

14 responses to “Maybe the Cruelty Was the Point”

  1. It has to be about the cruelty. Otherwise why do this? It’s so complicated – it would have made his life easier to just end things! Asshole.

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    1. That’s what I always ask myself, WHY? So cruel to do this to someone. And what’s so sad, I married him because at the time he was the kindest man I had ever known.

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      1. He fooled you. He’s a narcissist. They are dangerous, cruel, and nasty individuals. But we often can’t tell that when we get involved with them and then we are led down the garden path. I’m so very sorry, Sara.

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  2. This is the first I’ve heard of a passport card? I’ll have to look it up! He deserves more than an Oscar! Glad you’re moving on up girl!

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    1. Thanks! Passport cards are handy little things. They’re like the size of an American driver’s license.

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  3. Why do they go through all the effort to lie? What are they getting from it? I’m sorry you went through this. My heart hurts for you.

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    1. It’s something I asked myself every day. xo

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  4. He could write the book on narcissism. x

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    1. If he had any talent in that regard, he could 😉

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  5. I don’t know if this will make you feel better, but on the off chance that it light, here’s an article about another pathological liar: https://www.vanityfair.com/hollywood/2022/05/greys-anatomy-elisabeth-finch-truth-lies
    It goes without saying that I really, really hope things turn around for you big time.
    (From just another blogger who’s been following you for a while)

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    1. Thanks! I actually read that article. Some people are nuts and beyond repair ❤

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  6. You hit the nail on the head – it is all about him. Sounds like textbook Narcissism.

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  7. You don’t know me, but I you admire you for your strength and absolutely coolness. This was totally not your fault and you did no wrong in wanting to believe him.

    You will continue on being an absolutely amazing women and he has a bigger mess to cleanup and a future of it.

    The internet is so strange, but know you have tons of well wishers sending you healing energy and best wishes.

    May your Christmas and new years be full of joy and light.

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    1. What a lovely, lovely thing to say, thank you!

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