It Never Stops

OK… First off, I’m sorry that this has become my personal vent space, but I haven’t found a therapist that I vibe with yet, and writing about this has been so very cathartic. Also, some recent events in my life have occurred that have forced me to finally do the much-needed emotional unpacking of years of infidelity and gaslighting. It’s painful but necessary. I pinky promise that one day this will return to the sparkling space it once was. In the meantime, let’s unpack some sh*t.

He’s still lying.

Yes, the man with a wife (two, actually) and a baby is still lying to me. And I’m sure he’s definitely lying to her.

So, back in May, I went to see a divorce lawyer and was sadly told I couldn’t get divorced.

Sidebar: It was quite funny, actually, because she couldn’t wrap her head around the bigamy part. She kept saying, “but he couldn’t have married her,” as if there was some International Bigamy Police to intervene. It turns out anybody can marry anybody if they’re willing to commit fraud by lying on an official document like a marriage license.

I can’t get divorced because I need to be a New York state resident for two years, and at that time, I was only an official resident for about nine months. She asked where he was living, and I said that, according to him, he was in California (it’s one of the HQs of the company he works for) living on his own, without the wife or the baby because they supposedly weren’t together anymore and he had zero contact with them. (His wife’s social media posts would beg to differ.) She said that was great because California only requires six months in the state with three months in one county.

With this knowledge and a couple of martinis in me, I messaged my husband, asking if he met those requirements and if he could please make this process as easy as possible for me because he at least owed me that. He replied that he didn’t but would in three months. I stuck a three-month reminder in my diary and went about my business.

Fast forward to August.

Will you hit the CA residency requirements for divorce this month – six months in the state and three months in the same county?” I messaged.

Two days later and no reply.

I asked you if you would do your part to make the divorce as easy as possible for me, and you said you would, so I’d appreciate it if you didn’t ignore me.

Another two days later and finally a reply:

I will check.

There’s nothing to check. Have you been living in California for six months? Have you been living in the same county there for three months? These are not difficult questions.

He came back with some fluff about traveling a lot for work, so he had been staying in AirBnBs and whatnot.

Will you have a more permanent address soon or not?

I hopefully will.

Oh, woe is him.

And then my mother did some digging.

After some superior Google searching, she found an address listed under his and his wife’s name in Sweden. (She’s Swedish. The wife, not my mother.)

Back to iMessage:

Since you’re living in Sweden, you will not be establishing residence in California. Make sure I have an accurate address for you so I can file for divorce next year. And stop lying. It’s not necessary.

‘”OK, whatever. I don’t know where I’ll be next year, but I will give you an address.

So then I sent the Swedish address.

OK, whatever you found if you think it is true. I have one in Ireland too.

How charming. They have a residence in Sweden and one in Ireland. Good for them as I applaud from my studio apartment in Poughkeepsie.

He’s still lying and I can’t get a divorce.

12 responses to “It Never Stops”

  1. rosemarie giusso Avatar
    rosemarie giusso

    Hi Sara, I cannot believe the situation you find yourself in. I really, sincerely hope that Karma kicks in soon and you find the happiness and relief that you so deserve ~ maybe Santa Klaus will bring some comfort and cheer and wonderful presents for you. Hugs Ro (n.w. italy) xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. dontlikeberries Avatar

    Again, lost for words. I did think about his other wife too, and whether she knew about you and how much he’d lied to her….
    I don’t suppose you’d get anything out of shopping him for bigamy to relevant authorities, although I know as easy as that sounds it’s probably not and will have its own complications.
    Much love. xx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Wow. It just keeps going on, doesn’t it? I’m so sorry. But, I have a question. Why don’t you move to California and take the initiative? I’m not trying to be mean here, so bear with me. California is a community property state. A no- fault state, Except for big Amy, which they REALLY frown on. And, because you are the first wife, all of your claims (to property, money, etc.) Override any of hers. In other words, half of that Swedish home, the house in Ireland, his income, etc, belongs to you. Not her. Plus, the courts will give him no choice but to show up in California for the hearing, with a California attorney, on the appointed date, if YOU file. He has no say in the matter. If he does not show up, he loses. True, it is a little more involved than that, but you might want to look into the California laws from your perspective rather than his. You might find they are in your favor. Plus, we have somecreally good kick-a#$ lawyers who love to represent women against scumbags like yours. It can’t hurt to look.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I like how your brain works! Honestly, if I could afford to do it, I probably would.


  4. Dear lord, you couldn’t make it up. What a creep. He’s also a criminal. I’m sure what don’tlikeberries said, above, might be true but if you can report him, I hooe you do. In any case, I suspect karma will deal with him. Sending a huge hug. 🤗

    Liked by 1 person

  5. That man, I tell you. 😖
    So do you think she knows the truth or is still in the dark? Worth reaching out to her if you think she doesn’t know?
    It’s terrible he’s not doing anything to help the situation. I hope there’s something you can you do quickly. A drawn out divorce is the worst even at the ‘best’ of times. I so feel for you.
    And you keep right on using this space. We’re here to listen. 💜

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Keep talking to keep strong sweetie. It’s good to get it all out.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Wow. I’d report his ass here in the States and Ireland if that’s where the “marriage” took place. I assume he has a green card? I’d damn well make sure he gets it taken away. Immigration would have a field day with him. I’m mean enough to notify his employer too. Yep. Report him everywhere. If you need a California address you can use mine.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I am so sorry to hear about this. Sending love and prayers to you to stay strong and find a solution.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. He really is a scumbag with absolutely no morals or shame is he? Any man with even a tiny shred of decency would at the very least make it possible for you to divorce him after everything he has put you through, but he won’t even do that. How despicable.

    I really like the idea of moving to CA and using their divorce laws to get you your divorce asap and half of all properties etc.


  10. Good lord every post gets wilder and wilder. Who the hell does this guy think he is and how the hell does he think he can keep on fooling everyone? Bigamy police could be useful, but karma has got to get him in the end. Keep venting, it’s gotta get out and writing therapy is very real.


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